I wanted to be seen as me, living my scandalous life, liking who I want, loving more than one person at a time if my heart so desires, being bad even and partying hard, and spreading my arms to life.
And I wanted for my inner child to be understood and to be able to play as it wanted, even if it made no sense in someone’s structured, perfect world.
As I struggled with my inner conflicts, a realization dawned upon me so strong that I felt weight upon my shoulders. My wings became heavy and so my inner voice started to falter as I understood what was about to happen.
My inner conflict was that with this man’s help, support and encouragement I had achieved more in the few months we were together than I could have ever imagined. I had blossomed and I have come into my own body. He was everything I had ever asked for, yet I felt no fire inside. That burning desire, knee wobbling want, that lava pouring out of your heart for your man- it wasn’t there.
As more understanding came, another realization re-appeared- I no longer had The List. It became obsolete. And I knew that in the act of throwing away My List, I also got rid of The List of my mother and her mother before her.
That list of qualities that came as a guarantee for any daughters picture perfect future and safe anility, it originated from some foreign idea, instilled into me by the women in my family and in my society early on, so that I would end up in a safe environment as a woman. It was intended to protect me, but it ended up throwing me off balance for most of my life.
This blew my mind.
I grew up with an idea of a perfect man and that man was now in front of me, wanting to give me the world and I didn’t want it. I kept on searching within for what was wrong with me. Why didn’t I want everything I ever wanted? Everything every woman seemed to want. That perfect love. That guarantee.
And in the process of self-doubt I became irritable at him, started asking for changes, my unreleased energy spilling over the brim. I was unhappy and there was nothing I could do about it. Soon after that everything fell apart.
As things unraveled, I realized that I wanted a completely different reality and for the first time I really didn’t care about risk factors.
Of course I cried when we broke up and I felt horrible for breaking his heart, but I woke up in the morning feeling back to being me. The best version of me. Grateful and all. And free.
Rapidly I felt a sense of relief and an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for the experience this man gave me. I felt such clarity, that it made my head weightless, free of thoughts for the first time in months. And I felt wings unfold behind my back. My beautiful mighty wings.
I was given the most amazing gift of love. This man fulfilled my life for a few amazing months and gave me an experience of a lifetime. I lived a life with him in my experience. I felt and saw it all clearly.
I was given a chance to try on the exact life I thought I wanted for myself. He WAS The Perfect Man, white horse and all. He would have loved me with my breasts saggy and deep wrinkles on my face; he would have always told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world; he’d shower me in rose petals until the day I died and he’d make sure all my dreams came true and that I became the best spirit I could.
He was the Perfect Man.
But not for me.
It wasn’t my list anymore, it wasn’t my perfect romance. I had no list and I had no clear image of what I wanted for my love life to look like, except that I felt unconditional love and I was ready to open up to the most radical changes in my belief system.
What made me happy was realizing that I wanted a Peter Pan by my side. A free spirit who would make me always want to be the absolute best image of myself, be the best human, a free spirit. I embraced that desire and let a smile accompany that wish, realizing there was nothing wrong with wanting a fairy tale with no grown up ending, no matter how unconventional that idea might be.
Grasping the concept of unconditional love came crashing like an avalanche and it spared no force. My heart exploded with a new understanding of l love. I want to say universal love, but somehow that sounds cheesy. It felt immense.
And that changed my life faster that it takes to light a match.
See, the most dangerous thing for you could be getting exactly what you want. Or what you think you want, in accordance with The List. You will sabotage your relationships because of this List you have created in your head and you will drive yourself and your partner mad trying to fit your relationship into a stencil. You might sabotage the best love of your life by having an agenda and by trying to paint the path according to check marks set by your mother’s List and doubts feared by your parents.
If we don’t have expectations then we simply can’t be disappointed if we put the best intentions forward.
If we eliminate Lists, there won’t be a need to cross anything off of it.
What you want is not the same as what you deserve. Believing that you deserve the best will attract the unsurpassed into your life, but you have to be able to embrace self-sufficiency and spread your arms (or legs) to life, before you can reap the greatness that comes from acknowledging your own magnitude.
When you believe in your own magic, you won’t need a list of qualities in your partner to make you happy. You will just have standards and your own self-worth. Great things are attracted to that abundance in a person.
But being fine with being alone is the key to finding true love.
Throw away the idea of Perfect Love and you will be surprised at how perfectly beautiful your life will shape up.
You won’t need anyone to fulfill you, to make you happy, to make you complete.
You will feel complete.
You will become complete.
When you are complete, there won’t be a need for anyone to complete you and so when the right person comes along, you will embrace their reality without the desire to change it. You realities will become parallel.
Greatness doesn’t have demands, it doesn’t mandate to be loved. Greatness accepts great love with honor and it gives back the same, unconditionally, in many folds.
So with this, my sisters, I urge you to burn The List and throw away expectation.
Respectfully, leave your mothers and grandmothers fears behind and embrace the age of a Woman.
Run with wolves.
Love without asking for anything back.
Fly without aim.