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Illustration by Marina Zvidrina

Part I.

 It All Really Happened.


What if I asked you to define perfect love? Would you know whether that representation of love was your own or implanted into you by media and various information feeds. Do you actually want what you think you want?


We all grew up with an idea of a perfect relationship. Regardless of sexual orientation, we all tend to fall into the trap of wanting an enticingly knee-wobbling, head over hills state of mind, a perfect connection; a very specific and most common imbalance there is- perfect romance. Are you surprised I see perfect romance as something negative? So was I, at first!

The experience that had transformed my perception happened intently and in accordance with every rule in the book of magical love.


The moment I met that perfect man, I found myself in a state of disbelief. It was like the Universe had finally given me everything I have ever asked for and sprinkled on even more sweetness that I ever dared to dream of. I woke up in rose petals every morning; I felt like the center of his universe; I had space when I needed it and closeness when I craved it. On the first date he proposed and on the second we talked about kids and how we wanted to change the world together. It was as though two bridges were being built at the same time from each side of an enormous river called life, to finally conjoin the construction in the middle, so that we could meet. I finally felt complete and I saw my future in front of me in a haze of intoxicating perfection.


I soon realized that every point on my check list for a dream man was marked off and that this, of course had to be my deserved reality, because I am that great at creating my reality. How could have I ever doubted myself? I imagined it to be an amazing book one day. And I blossomed.


After our first date I woke up and screamed to Anastasia with my eyes still closed- We’re going to change the world!


This man, without me even asking, gave me everything my ex before him didn’t. And to top it off, we had an insane spiritual connection to the point where we shared dreams at night. We also practiced complete radical honesty. It was refreshing to be completely sure in the man I was with and to swim freely in his mind.


As months went by, the romance didn’t subside, however, to my surprise I began to feel that his desire to give didn’t coordinate with my desire to receive on the same level. I felt utterly confused by this feeling. With that arose feelings of guilt and then anger emanated from the fire within.

The paradox was that I now felt almost suffocated by his perfect image of me. I wanted to just be a mortal, flaws and all. The more I wanted to express all of my energies, the more I felt like I was forcing him to fit into a world he didn’t really belong to. I spent most of my life looking for myself and for my tribe. Through trial and error I swayed my body and spirit through life’s challenges to place myself now in a reality where I have strong sense of belonging. In this spiritual dance I have changed and I have blossomed. And I loved what I had become. I didn’t want to have to adjust to anyone or any principals that weren’t aligned to mine.


When a person falls in love with someone, in that action, they are also accepting their beloved’s reality. Your realities can never be the same, they can’t blend, they can intertwine and they can be harmoniously parallel. But they can never be one.


You have no right to ask your beloved to change their reality, but you can inspire them to transform it. We always deeply desire and gladly welcome changes that lead to a better place, a place of happiness and content. And so one will always make the changes to ones reality, if one believes in that change. But the change can not be enforced, it has to be by one’s own will. Only then it is permanent.


And I have been transformed in this realization. I had expanded, expanded my believes and welcomed the challenges, no matter how scary they seemed. But in that warm and intoxicating twist of transformations I got caught up and forgot to throw away The List.


The List was now fully crossed off; every dream quality of that perfect man, my every desire, my every crazy fantasy for the future was completely possible and I saw it clearly. I saw the family, the kids; careless and happy days at the beach house in LA; travel and that life-long bottomless river of love by this perfect Man.

All that was no longer valid in my mind.

It didn’t matter.

All I felt was that this perfection was suffocating me. Suddenly a realization that in the process of my perfect romance, I had rejected my core reality that I knew so well and drank so thirstily only a few months ago and that I no longer was faithful to. I took a step back in self addressed radical honesty.


I decided that I no longer wanted to be seen as perfect by standards foreign to me,  nor did I desire to be living in a Hollywood movie.


To Be Continued…..

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