Text and illustration: Girtrude Belle
What if you’re doing everything right? Did that ever occur to you?
What if you don’t feel like working on your projects this week because you have nothing to give and need to feed your soul first? What if you’re single because you’re a highly sensitive and unusually truthful being and, as such, cannot let yourself enter into a relationship with another person until you have entered into a healthy one with yourself? What if everything you’re doing is taking you precisely in that direction, towards knowing yourself on a level you didn’t think you were equipped to reach? What if you’re in the process of equipping yourself? Any regrets?
What if you don’t believe the story of how you lost and ran and believe the story of how you were shown the way and proudly went? Aren’t the players the same, the steps identical, and only the interpretation different? Which do you want to believe? If there is no spoon, and we both know – there is no fucking spoon. There never was. Then why are you arguing with yourself about whether or not it is, in fact, a fork?
What if those weren’t mistakes but amazing feats undertaken by an amazing being who could not help but have taken those steps because she’s just that inexorably who she is? What if those weren’t mistakes but awesome buildings blocks of an even more awesome whole in which she’s both a participant and creator and in fact synonymous therewith? Oh you don’t like this plain and tautological interpretation? You like it but there’s a voice in your head that wants to argue and impose a more incisive and cumbersome one? Is it a rational voice? A reasonable fucking adult voice? Is that voice an asshole? Does that voice REALLY wish you well? Does it though? Are you sure? Would YOU say stuff like that to someone you love and wish well to?
“If there is no spoon, and we both know – there is no fucking spoon…then why are you arguing with yourself about whether or not it is in fact a fork?”
What if we were to go back to thinking that everything is right? There. Doesn’t that feel better? Doesn’t it suddenly open a road with many many forks before you where an impasse once stood? Doesn’t that road suddenly look inviting and exciting and fresh and glimmering with morning dew and every manner of goodness where stale ideas and tired regurgitated concepts once reigned? Doesn’t that not only feel better but also more practical and useful and exciting and energetic?
What if you’ve done everything just perfectly? What if you left that person because in truth the relationship no longer served either of you? What if that’s a gift? A mutual gift. What if those people drove you away because that wasn’t your place? What if the journey this set you off on expanded your world in ways you could not have imagined from that old vantage point? Are you not extremely fucking grateful? Don’t you just want to scream and rip your shirt off in elation at all the good fortune they’ve thrown your way? My god. Don’t you? Our enemies and detractors are gifts. By choosing us as the object of their wrath or displeasure they show us that we are not a good fit for the breeches we’ve chosen to put on. And that it’s time to put on big girl pants. Way cooler ones. Duh. Because these pants are made for walking….
What if all the things that happened to you and that you did were right. Because they happened to you and you did them. What if people aren’t computer code to be “improved” and “perfected” until they attain some imagined ideal. What if they are already perfect. In and of themselves. And, what if, the sooner we accept this proposition, the sooner the things we call “bad habits” and “wrong moves” begin to fall away naturally.
This ain’t no motivational speech, bitches. No regrets.
This is a real gosh darn question.
WHAT IF you’re doing EVERYTHING right?