How to Be a Woman’s Best Sexy Friend.
By Michael Ellsberg.
For women who are mostly into men, a woman’s Best Sexy Friend is the sexually experienced man she can explore her sexuality with (or aspects of her sexuality that have been repressed, and that she wants to unleash) without the pressures of a relationship, and without fear of being judged or shamed for her sexuality. Often, this is in service to her finding “The One”–in service to her being totally sexually open, awakened, alive and ready for her match.
This is different than a “fuck buddy” because I take the word *friend* VERY seriously. When you are woman’s best sexy friend, you are showing up for her first and foremost as a FRIEND–a true friend–in the realm of sexuality, and beyond. Instead of being her BFF, you are her BSF. There is a code of honor for earning the privilege of being a woman’s BSF, and I take that code very seriously.
—Code of Honor for Being a Woman’s Best Sexy Friend (BSF)–
1. THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: First and foremost, only choose to be BSFs with a woman you ACTUALLY want to be friends with, sex or not. This means, if you’re hanging out with her, and she doesn’t want to do some particular (or any) sexual act that night, you won’t be like, “Damn, the night was a waste because I didn’t get to do X.” Instead, you’ll be like, “That night was great because I got to hang out with my awesome friend!” This makes things so much more relaxed, and takes off pressure from both sides for any particular sexual thing to occur. (See #4)
2. HONESTY & TRANSPARENCY: You must be completely honest about your lifestyle, your intentions with her, other lovers or relationships you have, sexual practices you engage in, STI testing and status, and anything else she would want to know about before engaging with you. Consent is not consent unless it is informed consent. Which brings us to…
3. CONSENT. To be a woman’s best sexy friend, you must be a consent MASTER. You must become OBSESSED with consent. In a recent post (http://bit.ly/15sey1T) I talk about how, in my first few times interacting with a woman, I set up “no means no”–by giving her safewords she can use to stop the erotic connection between us at any time, for any reason. And also, on top of that, “yes means yes”–by asking her explicitly if she is OK with any particular escalation of physical touch. So there are two layers of consent on top of each other.
4. ZERO PRESSURE. As a woman’s Best Sexy Friend, you can and should make suggestions. You can and should make offers. You can and should make invitations. You may gently guide her into being open or curious about trying something new… But you must NEVER pressure her. As soon as she starts feeling pressured by you, you’ll be just like every other guy who has pressured her, and the friendship will end soon. She wants to feel totally safe sexually in your presence, and part of her feeling safe is knowing that she will never be pressured, badgered, cajoled, or shamed by you about where she’s at sexually and what she is and isn’t comfortable with at any given moment, ever.
5. COMMIT TO FEELING, UPHOLDING AND HONORING HER BOUNDARIES EVEN WHEN SHE’S CONFLICTED INSIDE OR GIVING MIXED MESSAGES.
The key here is, NEVER do anything with your Best Sexy Friend that you think *even part* of her would regret in the morning. (This is particularly relevant when there are drugs or alcohol involved–see #6.)
One night, I was playing with a woman, and we had agreed that we weren’t going to have intercourse that night. But in our play together (which involved some very kinky scenes), she got so hot and bothered, she looked me in the eyes, and said, “I want you to fuck me, right now.”
I said, “That’s not going to happen. We agreed that we wouldn’t do that tonight.”
She said, “Well, I don’t care what we agreed to before. I want you to fuck me right now.”
“If I fucked you right now,” I said, “you would regret it in the morning, and you would lose all respect for me,” I said.
Her body language relaxed, from aroused sex tigress into vulnerable friend, she let out a sigh, and she said, “You’re right.”
“Busted!” I said, with a smile and a wink. And we kept playing that night, without fucking. She said she came to trust and respect me on a deeper level that night.
6. COMMIT TO OPENING YOUR HEARTS, WHILE PRACTICING *NOT* PUTTING HOOKS IN EACH OTHER
I call this “untangled love” (I’ve written about untangled love here: http://bit.ly/15sI3As) If you go as deep as I do with my BSFs, very strong emotions will arise within both you and her. You must completely honor and respect whatever emotions come up. AND you must have a framework for how to handle these emotions, outside of the normal railroad tracks leading to committed monogamy and/or marriage. Committed relationship is not what is being explored with a Best Sexy Friend; the point of a Best Sexy Friendship is to create a safe and nourishing place where we can explore our sensual selves *without* all the pressures, expectations, complications, and inevitable projections that happen in relationship.
Usually, one can have deeper, more heart-connected sex in a committed relationship, no doubt. But when a woman is not in a relationship, or when she’s in one and the sex is not working well (and she has permission to have a lover), that doesn’t mean she should stop having hot, passionate, edgy, expansive sex.
Also, it is often easier for her to explore naughtier, darker, edgier aspects of her sexuality with a man who is *not* going to walk down the aisle with her. (Women have their own version of the madonna/whore complex towards men. Let’s call it the “Mr. Right/Mr. Right Now” complex.) You as a Best Sexy Friend meet a need within her. It is a different need than that filled by a traditional relationship, but it is still a need, and you should take the role you play in her life very seriously.
This friendship should feel very heart connected, AND you must both commit to nip any “hooks” you start putting in each other in the bud. A hook is basically anytime you start thinking or acting like you have a “claim” on the other person, beyond what you’ve explicitly agreed to together. “Why haven’t I seen you for 2 weeks?” etc. Claim is a powerful experience, but that is not what we’re exploring here; we’re exploring how wide can we open each others hearts, and still live in *total* freedom, in all directions. This is a chance to be develop trust and vulnerability with each other *without* that translating into specific expectations of how often you’re going to see each other, talk on the phone, how you’re going to build a life together, etc. It is a trust fall into intimacy. It must be handled very, very delicately. You as a man must take leadership in caring for her heart, and managing her expectations about what she can and can’t count on from you
7. IF EITHER ONE OF YOU DRINKS OR GETS HIGH, DISCUSS BOUNDARIES *BEFORE* GETTING INTOXICATED.
Friends like to drink together. I like to smoke weed with my friends. But drugs and alcohol change your perceptions of what you do and don’t want to do. Obviously. Which is the main reason people TAKE drugs and alcohol in the first place! To get over hangups, inhibitions, and to have fun.
But here’s the thing. If you’re going to intentionally take a substance that lowers your sexual inhibitions, you need to pay attention to what your self, and your partner’s self, will be happy about, when those selves are SOBER the next morning. (See Rule 4.)
The easiest way, most simple way to do this is to agree to what the limits/boundaries are before any intoxication occurs. This can be accomplished by setting up specific “off limits” activities beforehand, such as, “Let’s not have intercourse tonight.”
A more advanced, but still totally legitimate way to handle this, is we make an agreement that we are both willing to take responsibility for our intoxicated behavior, so long as “no means no” and “yes means yes” is followed impeccably (See Rule 3.)
The point is, we have a discussion about how our impending inebriation is going to interact with our boundaries that night. It must be a topic of discussion, and not “assumed” that anything goes while drunk or high.
Furthermore, we are all adults here, and we should act like adults in relation to our buzz of choice. Unless someone put a gun to your head and forced you to drink, or shoved it down your throat, no one “gets anyone” drunk, and no one “plies” anyone with drugs. That is bullshit. I party with responsible drinkers only (even though I don’t drink myself), and responsible tokers only–and by responsible, I mean, people who take responsibility for their own buzz, and for what they do while they’re buzzed.
If your BSF is inebriated in your presence, she should be responsible for her boundaries (as all adults should). AND, as her BSF, I believe YOU should take even MORE responsibility to make sure her boundaries are respected. Be a gentleman here. You must maintain Rule 4 (commit to feeling, upholding, and honoring her boundaries, even when she’s conflicted inside or giving mixed messages) no matter how buzzed you are or she is. Never get so inebriated that you aren’t able to have eagled-eyed attention on consent at all times. That means no one ends up regretting anything the next morning, when you’re sober.
8. COMMIT TO BECOMING A GENUINELY SEXIER MAN
The most important part of “Best Sexy Friends” is “friend”– but “sexy” is very important too. You are more likely to attract, and be an appealing BSF, the sexier you are. Some of this has to do with your fitness level and physical appearance (I’ve written about this here: http://on.fb.me/1zX0HyN ). But much more of it has to do with how much you embody sexiness. The word “embody” gets over used. Here is a really simple way to think about embodiment: dance. Dance is the ultimate embodied art form. To dance well, you need to learn to get out of your head, and let the innate animal intelligence of your body take over. It takes practice, but if you watch amazing dancers on YouTube, you’ll see that they are completely surrendered to the dance; no part of them is thinking about what they are doing at all. Their cognitive, rational, analytical mind is not in operation. This is the same for being a BSF–you must learn to guide yourself, and to guide your sexy friend, into being totally in your bodies together, playing together more as animals play and communicate, than as rational analytical humans interacting.
I know of no better realm for a man, to get in touch with your animalistic sexual side, than learning dance. Salsa has been a godsend for me in this realm, for 22 years now. I think every man should learn some form of dance that allow them to get out of their heads and into their animal bodies and their animal sexuality
9. LEARN HOW TO EXPAND HER SEXUAL EDGES.
Commit to being a guide for her, into aspects of her own sexuality she didn’t even know existed. To do this, you will need to spend as much time as you can learning about as many sexual practices as you can. This will allow you to introduce her to new things, so you are always going on an adventure together. Learn about bodywork, massage, and how to stroke a pussy. Develop an exquisite touch that awakens her senses and her sexuality. Learn how to be erotically dominant (within a container of consent) and how to take charge. Learn how to surrender to a woman, so that she can explore her dominant side with you.
Practice elaborate role-plays. Some of the most delicious time I spend with my best sexy friends is in extended, elaborate role plays–we often do role-plays within role-plays, where the characters take on characters, and basically we just completely leave ourselves into a world of fantasy, play and fun.
Hire teachers (or find informal teachers) to learn a few kinky disciplines. Master one discipline before you move on to another. I for one have mastered sensual spanking (thanks to playing extensively with a woman I’ll call Mistress Catalina, who must be one of the most advanced spankers on the planet–she taught me everything I know.) I have also mastered collar and leash play, in both the dom and sub aspects. Just learning these two disciplines, combined with role play, has added untold spice and fun to my sex life and has led to countless naughty fun with my best sexy friends.
Learn about tantra and sacred sexuality. Learn about g-spot massage. Learn how to give mind-blowing cunnilingus. Learn, learn, learn, from every teacher you can find.
10. BE HER SENSUAL MATCHMAKER
A woman who is seeking you as a best sexy friend, is usually in a mood to explore her sexuality widely. Rather than “slut shaming” her for her wide-ranging sexual interest, you should be her safe-have where she gets to explore that side of herself without feeling judged or shamed. Turn that safe-haven into a sexual oasis for her, by introducing her to other quality lovers who might be able to unlock or unleash something in her she wants unlocked or unleashed.
For example, I know many many women who are curious about exploring sensually with other women, but don’t really know how to start or whom to do it with. If a woman is my BSF, and she wants to explore this side of herself, I’m always making introductions to her for sexy female playmates she can play with (my other BSFs!), and her sex life gets very very full, and very delicious, very fast.
There are probably more Rules in the Code of Honor for Being a Woman’s Best Sexy Friend, but these are the main ones I can think of now. Guys, if you practice this Code of Honor impeccably, she will feel totally safe, honored, respected, and seen in your presence, and she will feel totally comfortable and excited to explore her sexuality with you, even the “freaky” and naughty sides that she rarely lets out otherwise. Life gets really exciting, really fast, when this happens.
Guys, if you want to learn how to be a woman’s Best Sexy Friend, in a way that will have her totally grateful to have you in her life, join my email list for this at the bottom of this page here (http://bit.ly/1EglG0o).
And Ladies, if you’d like to learn how to find a male Best Sexy Friend that you trust, and can explore with safely, join my email list for women, at the bottom of that page too. I believe all single women should have a BSF while they search for The One, and I have a lot of thoughts to share on how to find one.
Michael Ellsberg is the author of The Education of Millionaires: It’s Not What You Think, and It’s Not Too Late, published by Penguin/Portfolio, and The Power of Eye Contact: Your Secret For Success in Business, Love and Life, from HarperCollins. He also writes a blog on entrepreneurialism, career development, and education at Forbes.com.
Michael’s Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/ellsberg/about